What's in the past is in the past...
is a complete load of bollocks. Our brains are naturally wired so that when we see some form of stimulus (for example, a person we don't like), we react instantly too it. And that's a problem I'm having right now. I often sit down to do some form of project, maybe a little drawing or make a video for youtube. Some random thing that keeps me entertained and I enjoy. Except that I can't. I sit there, the majority of the time never finishing these things, because of this annoying, bitchy, whiny voice in the back of my head. And it's the past.
I forgive but don't forget...
and sometimes I don't forgive either. I call this voice 'the past' but really I can normally attribute it to someone. Something said to me. Said by people which most likely won't even remember they said it. But it holds me back. "I remember when X was said about my Y, so I can't do that". What a load of shit right? I should do whatever I want. And yet I consider that negative Jibe as if there was some truth to it. What if others don't have the guts to say it because they don't want to be mean? What if they do say it, just not to my face? Better not then, just in case right?
But what about all the nice things?
I mean, I even have a bunch of nice stuff written about me. These really wonderful things, written from some volunteering things anonymously (some are obvious, others I still don't know who wrote it and that is the point). And yet for all these awesome things people could think about me, it takes one bad comment and I'll believe that one. I've managed to get over certain things, but one of the simplest is my voice. I was picked on a lot (and I mean a lot...) during high school for my voice. I still feel pretty sensitive about it now. I haven't had anyone make fun of me for it since I was 15, yet that's still with me, dragging around my ankles like dead weight. It's a really frustrating thing as well, because if I have to talk in front of a group the whole time I'm thinking "no one really wants to listen to me, with this annoying monotone robotic (continue with insults) voice". It doesn't matter what I'm saying or whether it is important I say it or not. That's what I'm thinking the whole time, every time.
I just wish people realised the extent of the things they say with malicious intent. I hope I haven't said something which affects someone the way this kind of thing bothers me. I've always tried hard to be as nice as possible because I want people to be happy. I can't understand having the thought 'I will say this because that will really hurt someone'. What kind of person wants to do that to another human being?
Well there is one of my most common frustrations, out in the open. Thanks if you bothered reading this far.
Adam.
